This is Scott. Not sure which account this is gonna come through.
First of all, your 3 lines have a rhythm to them that shouldn't be ignored. It sings like a song, but on the 3rd like, it falls sorta flat. How about adding a small conjunction in the 3rd line to accent the rhythm?
"and your teeth, so full of shake" Or something similar. If this piece is going to be short like this, then it serves when you get sterner in the second stanza. The natural rhythm falls to the seriousness in the words.
If it's going to be longer, I'd say alternate the stanzas. The first sings like it's from a mature fairytale. The second breathes life from that maturity. Perhaps, if you're going to extend the piece, consider giving the 2nd stanza a sort of new age slam beat, attune with the reality the character in the piece has gauged from her experience, what she takes away that's put into the poem.
Otherwise, I believe it's a great, concise piece! I hope I could be of some help!
This is Scott. Not sure which account this is gonna come through.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, your 3 lines have a rhythm to them that shouldn't be ignored. It sings like a song, but on the 3rd like, it falls sorta flat. How about adding a small conjunction in the 3rd line to accent the rhythm?
"and your teeth, so full of shake" Or something similar. If this piece is going to be short like this, then it serves when you get sterner in the second stanza. The natural rhythm falls to the seriousness in the words.
If it's going to be longer, I'd say alternate the stanzas. The first sings like it's from a mature fairytale. The second breathes life from that maturity. Perhaps, if you're going to extend the piece, consider giving the 2nd stanza a sort of new age slam beat, attune with the reality the character in the piece has gauged from her experience, what she takes away that's put into the poem.
Otherwise, I believe it's a great, concise piece! I hope I could be of some help!